That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
