Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Randomize
