I wish my penis had an off switch
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
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