This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
