I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Randomize
