I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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