I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
no you cant smoke seaweed
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
