I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
we made out on top of his cat.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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