32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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