We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
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I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
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I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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