So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
