I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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