we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
last night I used snow as a chaser
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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