Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
