if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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