not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
