I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
