my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
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