You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
