Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
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