woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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