i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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