dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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