Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
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He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
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Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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