Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
