Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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