I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
