I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
