thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
