Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
