So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Randomize
