Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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