Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
