I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize
