My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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