i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
