It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
