All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
