Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
