just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
cat food counts as protein by the way
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Randomize
