you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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