I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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