Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I wish there were birth control emojis
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
You don't make any sense
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