I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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