I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
