i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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