You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
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