Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize