I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
