The maid of honor just puked.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
