It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
