so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
