Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
