I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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