Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
