Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
